Feeling the Weight

I hated myself today.

Now before you get mad at me for this blog and what I'm saying and my actions and decisions know that I hate every thing I did.

holiday season got the better half of me.

I ate everything from cheese cake to twix to bags of chips. Anything you can think of I ate it.

I could not stand looking at myself in the gym. I was repulsed. My gut was hanging. my body still doesn't look right. Im still fat. Yes and this may be depressing. and you might think wow how is this going to help me...

This is going to help you because you are seeing into what really goes on. This is what you feel. this is what everyone feels at some point. DISSATISFACTION with themselves!

BUT!

Im not gonna stop going to the gym...
I'm not going to keep eating like shit.
I'm not going to put on all my weight.
beacause that is what makes me different.
That is what got me where I am.

I dont have much to say but... Today was just one of those days. You will go through it. Whether it is everyday or once in a blue moon.

I did an arm work out today. Check previous blog for arm work out.

Honestly I hate being negative.

It gets you nothing.

So what you do is wake up hit the fucking gym and keep going.
no one cares if you do it.

The only person you let down is yourself.
When you look in the mirror and know you could have done better. You fuck yourself. You only hurt you.

and thats what I learned today.

btw women. Leave me alone. lol

You make me make shit hard for myself... if that makes any sense. Disappear so i can stop wishing and hopping and focus on what I have to do. Just playing. as awesome as that would be because i wouldnt have to deal with the constant frustration or need to impress (and miserably fail) it would make life easy... and life is NOT easy. SO I'll say thank you for my fuel for the fire and the depression in my steppin'.

Tomorrow will be better. I start again. And I will be happier.

You all need to read this because this is real.

This is what I go through.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES!

GET OVER IT and KEEP GOING.

cause imagine if all my blogs were like this. Why would anyone want to lose weight?

but the prize is there. You just have to have the strength to reach it.

Weighing Your Pros and Cons

I was talking to my boy Colby Reese today at the YMCA about the obstacles our body types have to go through. I'm a big guy who has had to lose weight and also build muscle. In different ways it has been a fun journey and in others it obviously has not. Now for him, he's thin and it is hard for him to gain weight. I just want to say to those who don't have to work for their body I truly feel bad because you will always take for granted the gift you have had. But I can't be so tough on you because you can't help it. It is your genetics. But none the less I hate you. haha. I'm just playing. You fuel me.

Anyweigh... hahaha I'm lame. I am also gonna catch up on Biggest Loser. I've been so busy I didn't keep up. Oh well.

You know I've been thinking. I'm going to tell the truth.
Some of the main reasons why I lost weight.

1. I was afraid I was going to die from being overweight.
2. I thought losing weight was going help me get women deeper into that certain women.

Well let my tell you my friends and foes it doesn't work like that. I did get something better though and as poorly written and thought threw these next words are going to be I'm gonna say them. "I found myself." I'm a very passionate person when it comes to this health revolution. I want to help people be happy with themselves. I want people to feel what I feel. Breath that big gulp of fresh air. Run a mile as a warm up. go up stairs and not sweat. I'm honestly watching this episode of the Biggest Loser and its the "where are they now?" episode and it has brought me to tears. I was just talking about bringing someones life together and feeling what I feel and Sam (on the show *a past contestant*) just hit the spot where I feel. It's what I am feeling now. Though I am still going through my day to day life struggles it is the big picture I have my eyes on.

here is the Link:
http://www.nbc.com/the-biggest-loser/video/where-are-they-now-special/1262207/

If you have time watch this episode; it's 2 hours but is real. These people are real. They feel what every big person feels. This is the change that we feel. It is a life style. it is true happiness.

It's not about money even though it is a game/reality show. It's not about that girl that never gave you a chance. cause face it if you were 300 lbs would you want to be with that person. Some people yes, but majority no. it's not healthy. Call me shallow. Call everyone else shallow but being overweight is depression. It's a dark life. It's lonely. It's a wall. It's a mindset. It's not right.

Anyway... Pros and Cons

Pros:
-A relationship with myself
-Confidence
-Happiness
-Passion
-Desire
-A close relationship with my brother

Cons:
-None

I have changed my life. I have started school full time and I am working to be a nutritionist/ personal trainer. I want to start my own fitness business and maybe a gym someday.

Well to take you into my day lest start with I was a lazy ass this morning. I skipped waking up to go shopping at 8 and slept till noon. Treat your body. sometimes ;)

So I woke up and felt over rested haha. That's what happens when you sleep too much and I think that is one of the big problems with people. Over sleeping or under sleeping. Find the right amount you need to function.

Breakfast:
another turkey breakfast burrito
ground turkey
3 large brown eggs
2 tortillas
1 Spike : D

I then headed straight to the gym. It's always tough to work out right when you wake up but it's even harder to not work out at all.

I did arms today:

warm up bar curls
3x12

warm up tri pull downs
3x12

Sitting Sit down curls
3x8

Standing over head Tris
3x8

Super Set
Bent Bar Curls
3x8
standing curls
3x8
(rotate)

Reverse Tri pull downs
3x10

4x4 curls
2sets 4x4 till burn out

Kick Backs
3x10

cable curls
3x10

cable Tri extensions
3x10

It wasn't a great work out but got the job done.

My mind state working out was positive. I'm looking good. I just need to lose more weight! I want it. Work i probably walk about 5-6 miles in 8 hours. So not bad.

Dinner i had left over Boston Market
green beans
corn
chicken
and cream spinach
all proportional

Now I bring to you my night snack
I had 2 PB and J's

not bad if you ask me. i'm working on it.
That's how it goes. You work on it.

Now it's 3 a.m. and I need to sleep. Let me send you off with this:

Say this out loud and to yourself... "I'm worth it."

Common Girls! Get IT! lmao!

I've come along weigh.

Celebrate your success.
I cannot stress that enough.

Your accomplishments are what's going to carry you through till you reach your goal.

Know that you will fail. Know that you cannot always be perfect and you will slip up. But know that you can do it. Know that it's not about what has happened. Start everyday as a new. Don't see anything as a continuation because it can get old. And throw some variety in your meals and work outs. That is being Healthy.

Today wasn't bad. I woke up and felt pretty good. I slept from 3-8 not bad. I fin myself satisfied with 5-6 hrs of sleep. Anything less I'm dead and anything more I'm over rested. 8 hours is a long time to sleep for me.

breakfast I had a breakfast burrito with the night before dinner meat.

ground turkey
egg whites
1egg
2 wheat tortillas
1 cup of OJ

Lunch I had half of a oven roasted chicken sub with
Lettuce
Tomato
cucumbers
pickles
no cheese
and some oil and vinegar

half before work out

I did some walking in the mall today too. Xmas shopping... not fun at all. Im terrible with gifts. esp. without money.

Oh and this cute girl was looking at me in Sears... So I told her she was cute... I dont think she thought it was cute that i thought she was cute but hey I thought what the hell. What do I have to lose. WEIGHT! lol It was pitiful anyway.

enough of that.

So I did Shoulder work out. my 2nd favorite

military press
3x10

incline delts
3x10

rear delt flies sit down
3x10

rear delt flies incline
3x10

Shoulder Flies (standing)
3x10

Front and side raises
3x10

Shrugs
3x10

Iso Shrugs
3x10

Upright Rows
3x10

No cardio today because i had no time. I should have just did cardio. Im in need of weight loss instead of lifting but Im addicted to the lifting results.

Working out can be addicting as well.

I Love it though.
it's the Results.

I always want to work out. Even if I'm tired. right now I could at least life and it's 2:30.

So for dinner My company had a meeting and provided food... Boston Market.
Now you can say i folded.

But i mad choices.

I had green beans
corn
chicken
and some cream spinach
no skin with the chicken

No potatoes
no Mac

drank water.

healthy choices.

it was more like lunch cause I had it at 4. for dinner i had a stufry from the night before.
with pea pods
broccoli
beef
and some stufry sauce.
it was great

snacks I had a granola bar.

when I got home is when i folded. This is my biggest fall. I mess up my whole day because of the night. It's all discipline.

but regardless I had about 4 or 5 small xmas italian cookies, a couple handfulls of cheezits, some sunflower seeds and thats it. Im not happy about it. I really want to nip that in the butt.

And now. it's 2:40.

You know. I want to show you that I am like you. Im not Mr. I lose weight everyday. I've been fluctuating between 230 and 240 the last few months. Im tired of it. I'm going to start new tomorrow and learn from today. I liked how I started. I need to work on my finish. It's all work in progress.

Something to inspire you...

Think about this.

Look at yourself in the mirror naked. Ask yourself if you are truely happy with what you see. If you are not. Make a goal and a promise. To only you. Don't do it for anyone else but you/ That's the only person who matters most.

and...

get it...

 I like :)

 Indeed.

 LMAO

I love it.

Enjoy your weight through life today.

Make a choice.

The Wrong Weigh :(

I'm freaking exhausted...
The worst possible thing for a person who is trying to lose weight is sleep deprivation which is exactly what I did last night!

Though it is my fault... I procrastinated on studying for finals so I paid the price. I haven't worked out in 3 days. Sometimes you have to make the sacrifice and get your priorities straight. I hate not being able to work out. I feel like I lose it.

Sort of like sex they say... "Ya don't use it, ya lose it!" *it's not true.

anyway...

I also did a couple terrible things today in the path to my goal.

1. 4 hours of sleep or less...
2. I had a 5 hour energy... NOT good for you.
3. I ate a Steak and cheese regatta... It was delicious. ( I always say don't deprive yourself... But I really       didn't need it. I had food at home. I should have went back to the house and made something. a better choice.
4. I didn't provide my body with the right stuff for energy.

all in all today was sortov my way back into working out after 3 days. Like I said I'm not used to taking 3 days off.

Not only did I make bad decisions today... the last couple of days I had chips and slurpees... slurpees are my weakness. I need to cut those to once a week instead of 3 or 4.

See I have the same problems and challenges you have. I make the choice weather to put crap in my body or not. This is what makes me human. This is what it is. You can't get away from it. It is always going to be there.

Make the choice.

That is why recently I have been challenging people. It's a three month challenge. Lose 10-15 lbs by March. It's doable. If you're in shape. get in better shape. But do something for yourself. for your body.

Today's work out was chest. I always go long for chest.

Bench warm up
3x10 and 1 light rep out

Dumbbell Incline
3x6-8 ans 1 light rep out

Flies
3x10-8-6

Flies rotations
3x10

Decline
3x6

Pully Bent Arm
3x10

Pully Upright Flies
3x10

Dips
3x8

10 minutes stairs 162 steps per minute/ 60step per minute rest
10 minute treadmill jog at 6 mph then 2 sprints at 8.5 mph and 10 mph.
15 minutes on bike 15 resistance 2.75 miles.

I was wiped.

For dinner I had a turkey taco salad. bomb

ground turkey
salsa
cheese
taco shell crumbs
lettuce
tomato
hot sauce

look into it. great dinner choice. awesome leftovers.

For the most part I was pumped to work out. Good looking ladies. Now Women... Don't get offended when men look at you. It's a compliment... To be honest it helps me work harder. Because i think of all the women who rejected me and it helps feed the fire I need to push that last couple seconds. To show myself I'm doing this. And to sort of push it in their face haha. Hey you do what you have to do to push yourself. Even if it means you use shallow things like that. It's one of my methods. I look and think not right now... but wait and you'll see... but by then I'll be better than that.

something to motivate you...

Get off your ass and stop making excuses! You were supposed to start yesterday!

Good shit to work out to- Kanye West new album. Shit is fire!

Just Weight!

 They did it in Months... You can do it!

Why Weight?

Not tomorrow. Not on Monday when the week starts. Not even for NEW YEARS Resolutions! Do it now. Stop eating that bag of chips. Stop munching on that piece of chocolate. That ice cream tastes great but the mirror hates it. 

Why put aside your goals till tomorrow when you can start for them now. I used to be just like that shit. "monday" "new years" common be real. You lack commitment, dedication, and determination.

This morning was rough. For some reason 7 hours of sleep I'm still exhausted. Could be my sleep apnea or that I'm just not sleeping well... or because I'm up all night : P

I woke up at 9:30 and for breakfast I had a package of cream of wheat with a few sprays of zero cal butter and 3 packages of splenda. I also downed a spike to give me the boost for a straight shot to the gym. Honestly i was tired and really thought about not getting up... Cause i figured "ok... I have to be at school around... 11ish or 12... Now I have homework to do but what the hell I'm not doing well in the class so fuck it I'll just skip doing hw and go to the gym after I spend 10 minutes for English and pick up my work she is handing back." I was origninally supposed to wake up at 9 to be at the gym for 10 to be at school by 12 but i failed... I woke up at 9:30 and thought about what i just did.

But that's not what lost my 110 lbs in 6 months.

So I got to the gym at 10:30ish and did a back work out I got off youtube!

Work out:

Lat pull downs 3x6-8 1 burn out set

reverse pull downs 3x6-8 1 burn out

dead lifts 3x8-10

cable rows 3x6-8 1 burnout

one arm rows 3x10

lat pull down wide grip 3x6-8

straight arm pull downs 3x6-8 1 burnout

10 minutes stair intervals 162 steps per minute 

Today working out I felt great. I was in an eminem mood/ hiphop sound. I listen to all kinds of music when i work out. People think there is "work out music" I mean who am I to say different but I think it's what ever you're feeling. Sometimes I feel like 2Pac and getting mean. Sometimes I blast some system of a down while I grunt and attempt to scream like them. Adn believe it or not I do some hardcore cardio to RagTime *all you theater cats know what Im talking about* hahaha. thought my favorite cardio songs would have to be "don't Drink the water by Dave Matthews Band along with "#41" and "Bartender". Link to my top cardio song courtesy of YouTube.com 

Don't Drink The Water

So I felt great at the gym. Focused. Driven. Excited to see my muscles really start to look great. Though my belly is NOWHERE the way I want it... i have to celebrate my success. Remember that. You are always your biggest critic. Celebrate the small success. Keep you mind on the big picture.

So after i went to school did some hw. I have a PB and J sandwich on wheat and (2 slices of pizza) I KNOW! WHAT AM I DOING! but I wanted it.

That is another thing. DO NOT DEPRIVE YOURSELF. BUT DO NOT GO OVER BOARD!

you can eat things like that as long as you don't O.D.

I also bought a chicken fajita burrito from WAH-BO a healthy choice on wheat. Chicken has great protein! and i brought a granola bar a protein shake and two hard boil eggs and some taco shells with salsa.

Now I am sore... tired... excited about this blog and I have to wake up at 8 to be at the gym for 8:30 and then to school for 11. and it's 2a.m.

Thats something I have to work on. SLEEP

  That is a HUGE part of weight loss. I haven't mastered it yet. But I will. I will.

I also wanna shout out EL from the YMCA. she has been doing AMAZING. I've been giving her some pointers and worked out with her with some tough shit and she does it. She's been looking great and we're supposed to work out 7 am friday... and that's my day off... dedication... do you want it now? How long is it gonna be till you mack the "click"? It is not easy. I will say that everyday. You will not see results till 50 lbs in if you are big and you will not get results fast if you are thin. DEAL WITH IT! but you have the satisfaction that you are doing it on your own. No one else. Be your own success story. Be your own inspiration!

here is a quote to never live by

"I CAN'T!"

smmfh I hate those words together...

there is NOTHING you CAN'T do.

... unless you are a boy... you can't have babies... shit happens.

WTF????!

haha it's a girl. really. no not the baby. the dad is a girl...

My Weigh Works!

If you start reading this and don't read it all the way through... you're an asshole. I kid, I kid. No but really.

I want to tell you guys that there is no secret... The cat is out of the bag. There is no pill, shake, quick, short, easy, fun way either. it stands alone on one question. "How bad do you want it?"

Flash back

Lets look back a year and some change on where I was in my life:

insertion from ipod touch courtesy of apple-

"I'm hungry... I'm standing at work. i think I'm hungry. I can't be like this anymore... I need to loose weight. I can't be fat all my life. This is no way to live. I have so much to give. People don't see the real me..."

Wayne's World transition

Now 110 pounds lighter I say to you... There is no excuse.

I know how busy life is. I know the cost for a gym membership. I know the cost for eating healthy. The life isn't cheap but you're life is worth it.

You don't need the gym to get in shape. You are surrounded by beautiful country to talk a walk in or even ride a bike through. The time is now to stop making excuses for yourself and for the reason why you look the way you look even if you have 5 pounds to loose or 100's!

It took me 22 years to finally realize that I was worth it. I Plotted, I planed, I did the math, I wrote up the work outs, I made the goals, I set the deadlines, I had great intentions. I hung up the pictures of outfits I wanted. I wrote nasty words to myself to get that fire. I tried shakes. I even tried to diet. None of these methods worked for me. Now they be great for you,,, but it was just a build up for a let down in my world.

What does work for me is portion control and not depriving myself of anything I want. I teat myself junk food but I keep everything in reasonable amounts. I eat what ever I want I just don't over eat! That is the key. Oh and hard work at the gym!

All my life I was made fun of for being over weight. From school to home. I remember as a little kid when I started to really put on the pounds my dad would say to me "You gotta loose weight before you go to high school." Not knowing the difference from elementary to high school I kept eating myself bigger and bigger. Being made fun of as the fat boy. I hated myself. I hated being fat. Fat was not something to be growing up but I filled the role a little too much. I went girl friend less through school for the exception of this short lived thing that was very unhealthy... but I'm not going into that. After high school I moved to New York City thinking that this was the opportunity to change. I didn't. I lost some weight but I gained it back and a whopping 40 more. My top weight was Three Hundred Forty pounds! It was a night a year ago that I decided to change my life.  I was depressed and spinning out of control to the point where I was killing myself everyday. I couldn't reach the top of my breath and I thought "this is it... Somethings gotta change because I am going to die." I was scared. I wasn't being see for who I was. I couldn't do simple pleasures like ride a roller coaster or fit comfortably into a restaurant booth. I was embarrassed with myself.

My grandmother had also told me about the show "The Biggest Loser" and I saw that these people were just like me. I wanted to audition for TBL but I didn't want to wait to be cast. So I thought I can't sit around and wait to be cast in a fat camp show so I took it into my own hands.

I started going to the gym 5 days a week. Just 20 minutes of cardio on the elliptical at a level that made me work and I pushed as hard as I could. I would go into the gym in a full hoody and sweats cause I didn't want to be seen. As I got more and more used to it the time stretched to 30 minutes. Then I started reaching out to different machines such as the stair machine, the treadmill, and the bike. At my best cardio game I was doing 80 minutes and 11 miles. killing it!

I lost 110 lbs in 6 months. an accomplishment I always knew I could do but never did till then.

Now I attend the gym everyday. I go to the YMCA in Shrewsbury, MA where I am currently living.

It's amazing when you discover the limits your body is capable of.

Keep striving for more. Longer, faster, heavier.

This isn't a one shot deal. It's not for the summer. It's not for the wedding dress or prom dress. It's not for that cute guy you've liked since high school or the hot cocktail waitress. Though these are great inspirations to fuel your fire this is for you. It's a life style. It is a choice. You choose not to eat that cookie. You deserve not to eat that cookie. You choose to go for a run when you're dead tired. You choose to hit the gym everyday even if you have 30 minutes to do anything. It's a forever mind state.

Through this blog I want to reach out to you. I want to bring you with me on My "Weigh" Through Life. I'm going to be telling you how I feel from when I wake up to pre work-out, work-out, post work-out. I am going to be giving you the run down of what I ate. My work out I did and anything else just to give you and idea of what I am about. You can even email me for information on workouts.

This is a journey I decided to embark a year ago and I am still going and will be forever.

I'll end this blog with a brief on my day:

8:30 a.m.
I was dead tired because I had been waking up because I didn't want to be late to class and I was up till 3:30 a.m. doing a paper.
breakfast-
                3 eggs and 3 egg whites with hot sauce and 2 whole grain pieces of toast. great protein!

headed to school and it was freezing. If you are on the east coast I suggest you bundle up cause winter is coming hard. Don't want to get sick! Working out also builds up you immune system so keep that in mind.

I headed to the gym for 11:30 a.m. and ended at 1:30 p.m.

I bought a energy drink (which I don't recommend unless it is the brand I buy called Spike) it has 0 cals 0 sugar and 0 caffeine. and tastes awesome. I also bought a protein bar 30 grams.

I headed to the gym... took a poop and was ready for my work out.

today was biceps and triceps:

warm up curl bar
triceps warm up pull downs
seated curls
over head extensions
pyramid bicep curls with bar
over head extensions pulley
pulley curls
fore arm curls/ weight wabble
reverse pull downs
kick backs

cardio
10 mins stair intervals 162 steps per minute for 40 seconds and 60 steps per minute 40 second
10 minute minute intervals on elliptical sprints
10 minute jog at 6 speed

I was feeling pumped to work out though towards the end of my work out I felt fat and disgusted.I go through that. one minute I look great in the mirror and then the next I look fat. But for the most part i enjoyed my work out today. Was really focused.

I took a nice shower and prepared for work. Wasn't happy about going to work.

post work out I had a protein shake.

lunch:
Tuna sandwich with half tsp of mayo and a tsp of mustard. 1 can of tuna. 2 slices of whole wheat bread.
I also had a caprisun!

Heading to work I brought for dinner:
rice pilaf with mushrooms, carrots, and peas.
granola bar
vitamin water
water
the protein bar

I wasn't hungry. I'll say that

I got home and had two non fat puddings about 80 cals each... could afford not to eat those. I also had a bowl of tortilla chips and salsa and a small bag of none buttered popcorn.

The night time snacking could use some work. but over all today was not bad.

I was pretty excited about working out today.

Now I am exhausted and ready for bed.

I have finals this week... Hitting the gym this week is gonna be key to relieve stress for me. It will take my mind off of the work and get me focused and ready.

That was the quick run down of the day. I will be going more into my thoughts in future blogs to help get your mind right.

I want to leave a Quote a buddy of mine blessed me with that I have been living by through this journey of mine.

"Determination without Discipline is just Dreaming..."

What are you gonna do about it?